| I am delusional. I recreate myself. I suppose thats easy, you see, I dont exist. When people speak to me, the see this flesh, this facade but underneath is nothing but a series of electrical explosions occuring in that watery organ called my brain. I dont exist. Going to see a Dr.Grahm tomorow. I dont know what I want. I dont want to give anymore of my life to this disease. I dont want to dedicate anymore days to a "perfect intake". I want to be able to look in the mirror. Ive got to much to do with my life. Im too damn smart to let my potential go up in a puff of self hatred. Hopefully he will know how to fix me. This is too much. I cant take it anymore. I want to feel again. 
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This is the sensation of imploding. Collapsing inwards, crumbling to ashy bits of putrid flesh. There is always that moment. That moment where you think, I could eat that, or I could continue in hunger. You KNOW that moment because it happens every time. It happens every night for me, that immediete decision between eating or not. I need to learn to say "fuck you" to the face of that moment. I need to learn to turn and run in the other direction. Im so tired of binging. It reaches some deep place within me, my soul perhaps, and squeezes it. Twists it. Digs its fingernails into it and drags. Binging is destroying my soul. Maybe more later. Have a beautiful night. 
PLAN FOR SUNDAY: Morning - coffee, compose myself, clean house, xanga Lunchtime - Diet coke, hoodia pill, cigarette, read English book, start online course 3ish - Meditate, go to bookstore, Dinnertime - DONT EAT, DO NOT EAT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, hoodia, cigarette, look over contract for Tokyo After dinner - DONT EAT, diet coke,read, bathe
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| binge. i am so upset i almost cant breathe. |
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